The newest love of my Life

because she makes makes millions for

being

so fucking weird.

Wake up in the Mornin feelin like P.Diddy

Hey People!

{loooong time no see}

Lots of things have been happening around here lately, hence the lack of communication. At lease now you know I'm alive.

Okay, where to begin... with a list I suppose, because I love them :)    Here's a glimpse of my December in no particular order...

• No goals for December- So much to do and soooo little time. I guess the only goal was to make it out alive.
• I sorta got promoted at work? I've been handling accounts receivable which basically means: sit at my desk and try not to stab myself with a letter opener because it sucks so bad. Actually, what I'm really responsible for is rent entry (over 1,600 units), collections, eviction, calls, sending out all different kinds of notices, and sooo much more. It's completely overwhelming because well, I only have 2 hands. I say its only a kind of promotion because I got no financial compensation. My bosses are dickheads {pardon my french} and keep telling me that I have to go through a trial period to see if I'm a good fit for the position- translation: we don't want to pay you any more money for as long as we possible can. Needless to say I'm frustrated, angry, slacking off because i'm frustrated and angry, bitter, pissed off- you probably get it. The best part is its a mess- NO ORGANIZATION- and I'm supposed to fit it for $9 an hour. Yep, FUCK YOU.
• On to Happier things... R and I recently made an addition to our family! We now have a very large orange cat. A few Sundays ago, R woke up and decided he wanted a kitten. I made a face {picture yourself trying to eat a lemon... it looked like that} I'm allergic to cats, and I generally dislike them. After talking about it all morning, I finally caved. We stopped at the local animal shelter and fell in love with 2 adorable kittens ($75 per kitten) that were both under foster care, which means that their adoption would have to be approved by their "foster parents". We filled out applications for the kitties and we told the foster moms that we were planning on buying a house. They were concerned the kittens would be put under alot of stress with the move and blah blah blah. While they didn't deny us, they successfully pissed me off-- which resulted in another big FUCK YOU. Instead of dealing with those idiots, we went to the APL, which had no kittens... mostly adult cats. We walked around and I fell in love with Maze- 3 year old orange long haired tabby with me most beautiful golden eyes. Hes mellow, sweet, soft, smells good, basically amazing. The APL prolifes all their animals and he's classified as a "personal assistant" which is exactly how I would describe him. Did I mention he cost us $20?  Suck on That Parma Animal Shelter.
• We didn't send out Christmas Cards because I was too lazy to write them out, and because I still haven't done our wedding thank you's (bad bad bad) Call me the grinch, I guess.
• Christmas shopping is complete! Coolest gift I bought for someone this year: Twilight and New Moon in POLISH for Hanna (my mom) She's been talking about seeing the movies, but everyone knows the books are better! They are en route from a Polish bookstore in Chicago as we speak :)
• I still have a ton of baking to do today :(
• Somewhere in between last Christmas and present I acquired some serious gift wrapping skills, big improvement from last years gifts... they looked pretty terrible.
• IM LOOKING FOR A NEW JOB-- hire me!
• I hearby advise everyone not to waste money on college.... you'll never be able to afford your student loans-- anyone know a someone whose still consolidating?
• I've gotten really fat since the wedding... absolutely no modivation to change it, just disgust when I look in the mirror.
• I need to write more in Jan.
• If you have the opportunity to make your own wine, do it- soo much fun!
• I really really really want a house, and all my bills to disappear.

I think that about covers it.

Miss you all and talk to you very soon!

Moving Sucks... I think I'll Procrastinate Instead

Good Evening Friends

I hope your having a fabulous & exciting weekend!

While I should be unpacking the shit that's been strewn all over my new abode, I find myself laying in bed... with absolutely no desire to ever unpack not feeling well.

&

Everyone knows how to cure a sickness...

with 

Sex and the City and Christmas Ale 

{of course}

{can you really resist a label like that? I didn't think so}

p.s. I STRONGLY recommend getting your New Moon tickets right now... due to many of the showings already selling out.

p.p.s. Don't worry, I already have mine, for the midnight showing of course ;) 

p.p.p.s Have a Wonderful Night, Darlings!

pardon my dust

I've never really seen satisfied with my blog's look since I started it, but I think I have finally figured out what I want to do to it. Please bear with me over the next week or so while im trying to figure things out!

Thanks Lovahs!

My neighbors are the kind of people that would have double-hiccup/grunt sex

Before I begin I would like to note that this post was inspired by one of my favorite bloggers & one sassy girl... check out the post that started it all: Sex:101.

Meet Kevin: Kevin is tall. He wears these every single day.

Seriously, everyday... including when it's snowing. He might weigh less than I do, which is pathetic. Every morning, Kevin wakes up, puts on the same pair of black mesh Adidas shorts with white stripes and goes outside to water his lawn. Actually, he waters the same spot for literally 15 minutes, even when its raining. Did I mention that the grass is perfectly fine? I'm not actually sure if he has a job because he is ALWAYS home. Kevin never has friends over, but I have seen his mother visit twice.

Kevin is married. Hiw wife is about 2.5 feet shorter than he is. She has blond hair. I don't know her name, come to think of it i've never actually heard her speak. We'll call her Mute Blonde. I think Mute Blonde works at a bank, at least that's what my nosey 13-year-old-sister told me. Like Kevin, she has a great sense of style. She wears black dress pants and a cardigan to work and changes into yoga pants & a cami when she gets home. Hey, at least she switches up the color of the yoga pants, right? Mute Blonde waters the "lawn spot" in the evening, after she gets home from work. Yes, she also waters it in the rain. I have never seen her friends of family over.

I have never heard Kevin speak to Mute Blonde. I have also never seen them touch each other/show affection. I mean, don't get me wrong... they obviously speak to each other, I've just never actually seen it happen. Kevin and Mute Blonde are probably somewhere around 26ish years old. They should be having a great time in bed, alas, the above leads me to believe their sex life sucks.

I wonder how they met. If it was magical & they knew they were soul mates... what types of dates they went on. I wonder how he proposed, and whether she said yes or wrote it on a post it note since she doesn't speak in public. They just seem so boring & weird...do you think they realize they are boring & weird? And for the love of God, what is the deal with the lawn spot? It's almost winter... the grass is going to die anyways.

Im Back!

I can't begin to express how amazing it feels to have nothing to do.

R and I have oficially been married for 8 days now and for the past 8 days I have laid around the house, caught up on my tv shows thanks to the internet, read, drank lots of wine, eaten way too much food.

and did I mention slept. alot.

People keep asking me how it feels to be married. I don't think it feels any different. I mean, I've been with R for the past 5ish years, we've already lived together, so it wasn't really that different. I came home from our mini-moon and did 8 loads of laundry. Same old with a little extra bling bling I guess.

But anyways, now that I'm wed I have no more excuses and I promise to actually post on my blog! Oh and I'm also making my big comeback to the gym tomorrow haha. See you tomorrow people!

xoxo

-The Newlyweds

Weddings, Gin, & Cabbage Boobs

So I've finally had some time to myself after a very looooong weekend/week. I'll recap the last week or so with a list-- because I love them.

• Friday: R and I had plans to meet his sister and her boyfriend in Sandusky around 1. That morning, my mom (Hanna) and I drove out to Avon to talk to a catering company about ordering a couple dishes for the wedding. The pain in the ass 40 min trip turned out be a success. On the way back home, Hanna thought it would be a good idea to stop at the mall to do some mother/daughter bonding. Well who am I to refuse? So we stopped and shopped and we ended up home an hour and a half later then we had planned. Naturally, R was livid that I was late... blah blah blah. I tried to explain that I got him a really nice outfit for his stepsister's wedding we were going to that weekend ($100 dress pants for $16.50, how can you beat that?) but he was not having it. So he was mad and pouty and then he got over it, because he always does and we finally made it to Sandusky. That night, we went to Cedar Point which was awesome. The lines were super short! We stopped at Walmart on our way back to the hotel room to stock up on the 5 basic food groups: chips, candy, cheap wine, beer, and advil. We ate. We Drank. We went to bed.

• Saturday: We all woke up and went to breakfast with R's dad. Then spent the day hanging out outside at the pool, mainly because it was heated and had a swim up bar. We got ready and went to the wedding. It might have been the shortest ceremony I have ever seen. Literally 3 minutes... IF that. But, the bride was beautiful, the groom was handsome and the reception was open bar. This is were I reunite with my ex- gin... somehow he manages to follow me to the karaoke bar we went to after the reception. We have a great time. Fast forward to the cab ride back to the hotel. Everyone is drunk. R's sister was a train wreck. She can barely walk, shes slurring, crying, throwing up on everything, etc. We get her back to the hotel and somehow manage to undress her--I have now officially seen my future sister in law naked. We manage to get her to sleep and then pass out ourselves.

• Sunday: R and I wake up, and we immediately regret it. But unfortunately we have to drive back home so we can go to our Pre Cana catholic marriage thing. You have to do it or you can't get married. I'm really hating gin at this point- splitting headache, aching body, basically worst hangover ever. We go to this marriage thing which was basically married couples with a minimum of 6 children telling us about natural family planning. I am still convinced it was just another way for the church to recruit for the catholic army. All they want is your money and spawn. But anyways, we manage to get through the torture and go home and pass the fuck out.
  

• The rest of the week is really dull so I will give you the abridged version: Work, errands, wedding stuff, and wishing I still had a life.

Today I finally had a chance to catch up on reading blogs and I just have to share this post by Lisa at Lemon Gloria. Lisa just had a baby (Congrats) and she has the most hilarious stories about life after her pregnancy. Her most recent post was about breastfeeding. Shes mentioned that she had found a remedy for engorged breasts that involved putting cabbage leaves. Naturally, I just had to check this out becuase it sounds ridiculous. Here are the details via mother-2-mother.com:

To use cabbage compresses for engorgement:

Wash a fresh head of green cabbage and place cabbage in refrigerator to chill. Just before use, crush the veins with a rolling pin or similar object or slice off the tops of the "veins" with a sharp knife, whatever makes the leaves shape to your breast most easily.

Drape one or two leaves over each breast, covering ALL of the engorged area. Leave on until they become wilted, about 20 to 30 minutes. Repeat three or four times within a 24 hour period, or until engorgement subsides. This will usually be within one to two days. If the engorgement is severe, compresses can be used as often as every 4 hours, but care should be taken as there is indication that cabbage leaves can work TOO well and end up reducing mother’s milk supply.

I'd really like to know who is responsibly for this remedy and how they discovered it. And no, those are not my boobs.

As it turns out, gin is poison

Dear World,

I am so hungover. This morning, I decided that I'm going to have to breakup with beefeater. I promise, I will post later when the pounding in my head stops, and I regain feeling in my body.

xoxo

It's Just one of Those Days

Right now, I wish I could put everything hold for oh, say, forever and just lay around on my bed in my underwear litsening to the rain with bob marley on repete.

If only it was that easy, right? Tonight, R and I have to go to a dinner with some of the doctors he works with. I believe that his coworkers will be in attencance as well. I'm not really a fan of most of them. On the upside, we are going to a brewery... on the downside, we are going to a brewery. I love beer, but it does me dirty.

Sorry for being so blah. I've just been so tired lately. Maybe it's the weather, maybe its the 6 hours I spent last night tying 200ish bows on wedding bubbles, maybe its my guest list which is spiraling out of control. Can anyone explain how I went from 250 guests to 330 guests? I'm not even really sure I know 330 people. Oh well...

The good news is: R and I got the vases for our short centerpieces for $1 each. I'll reveal that surprise later, darlings :)

I'm also looking forward to this weekend. I took Friday and Sunday off. R and I will be spending most of the weekend in Sandusky with his sister and her beau. Friday we will all be hanging out lakeside and later on we are going to Cedar Point, which is a pretty cool amusement park. Saturday, we are going to his step sisters. Unfortunately, Sunday R and I have to go to this Pre Cana thing catholic people have to go to so they can get married. Im not so sure spending the day with religious fanatics is such a good idea after a wedding.

Luckily, God hates me already so he should understand, Thanks G-Man.

So until then, I'm here in the office, listening to "three little birds" wishing I was lounging around somewhere far, far, away in my underwear.

I dream of...

...Zombies??

Yes, you heard right. Last night, I had a dream nightmare that Zombies took over the world and were chasing me. Of course, like in all nightmares I was never able to get away.

Clearly, this is a sign... either I really should wear those Zombie Heels under my dress, or this was Michael Jackson's way of telling me that my bridesmaids and I need to dance to thriller at my wedding.

I'm thinking probably both.

Always Awkward First Post

HERE. IT. IS.